Climbing Out of Helplessness: From “Nothing I Do Matters” to “I Can Make a Difference”

Sometimes life can feel like one long wave of things we didn’t choose: job loss, poverty, family conflict, abuse, illness, or one overwhelming event after another. When difficult circumstances pile up—especially when they feel unavoidable—we may begin to believe something dangerous:

“Nothing I do matters.”

This belief is at the core of helplessness. It’s not laziness. It’s not weakness. It’s a learned perception that our actions don’t influence outcomes. Over time, this belief can shape how we think, how we feel, and how we act.

What Is Learned Helplessness?

Learned helplessness develops when we repeatedly face stressful or painful experiences that feel inescapable. Eventually, instead of trying to change things, we stop believing change is even possible. This can lead to real struggles with:

• Motivation (“Why bother?”)

• Problem-solving (“I can’t handle this.”)

• Emotional well-being (increased stress, hopelessness, anxiety, and slower recovery from mental health challenges)

  
  

People may shut down, people-please, avoid decisions, fail to voice needs, or feel trapped in relationships, jobs, or circumstances—even when choices do exist now. What once was a survival strategy can become a barrier in adulthood.

But here’s the most important truth:

Helplessness Is Learned — and That Means It Can Be Unlearned

Psychologist Martin Seligman introduced the idea of learned optimism: the ability to explain life events to ourselves in a realistic but hopeful way. Optimism isn’t denial. It means saying:

• “This challenge is real — but I still have agency.”

• “I can try something different.”

• “My effort matters.”

Optimistic people tend to regulate both their thinking and behavior, gathering information, problem-solving, adjusting plans, and keeping effort going even during setbacks. And research consistently shows that optimism supports:

✔ Lower stress✔ Better coping✔ Stronger immune response✔ Improved mood

✔ Higher resilience

It also protects against depression and negative self-beliefs.

Why Relationships and Meaning Matter So Much

Positive relationships—friends, mentors, family, teachers, community members—play a powerful role in building hope. Structure, stability, and meaningful routines help people feel grounded and supported. Even after adversity, surrounding ourselves with people and environments that reflect possibility rather than powerlessness can shift the story we tell ourselves.

Children who feel some control over their lives become more empowered and resilient. They try longer. They solve more problems. They internalize the message:

“I can do hard things.”

Positive reinforcement and encouragement help build that belief. When children (and adults) persevere with support, they begin to recognize their own capability.

And here’s encouraging news: positive experiences help reduce learned helplessness at any age. It is truly never too late to build optimism.

The Role of Positive Orientation

Researchers describe something called positive orientation—a general tendency to view life, oneself, and the future with warmth and confidence. People with strong positive orientation:

• Feel more satisfied with life

• Use healthier coping strategies

• Experience less stress

• Adapt more effectively to challenges

They don’t ignore difficulty. Instead, they see it as something possible to face.

Resilience: Bending Without Breaking

Psychological resilience is the ability to adapt and recover, even when life hurts. Resilient people often:

✨ maintain curiosity and openness✨ cultivate positive emotions (gratitude, humor, joy)✨ use coping strategies like problem-solving and reframing✨ find meaning in hardship

This doesn’t mean they never struggle. It means they keep learning from setbacks.

Positive emotions actually broaden our ability to think, helping us see options we’d otherwise miss. In contrast, negative emotion narrows our focus to threat and survival. When we slowly add in small moments of hope, joy, or connection, we rebuild our capacity to act.

Emotional Intelligence Plays a Role Too

People who better understand and label their emotions tend to regulate them more effectively. They’re able to say:

• “I feel scared.”

• “I’m overwhelmed.”

• “I’m stuck.”

And then choose a response intentionally. This awareness helps prevent shutdown and supports resilience.

Post-Traumatic Growth: Transformation After Hardship

Many people emerge from adversity with:

🌱 greater appreciation for life🌱 awareness of strengths🌱 deeper relationships🌱 renewed spirituality or meaning🌱 clarity about priorities

Healing doesn’t erase pain. But it can create wisdom.

So How Do We Climb Out of Helplessness?

Not in one leap. In gentle, consistent steps.

Here are starting points:

1. Notice the Story You’re Telling Yourself

Helplessness sounds like:

• “Why try?”

• “This is just how my life is.”

• “I’m bad at decisions.”

Begin to gently question these beliefs.

2. Look for Tiny Areas of Control

Not everything — just something:

• a routine

• a boundary

• a decision

• a goal

  
  

  Small choices rebuild agency.

3. Build Supportive Relationships

Healing rarely happens in isolation. Seek people who encourage your growth.

4. Practice Positive Reframing

Not toxic positivity — grounded optimism:

“This is hard. But effort still matters.”

5. Strengthen the Body-Mind Connection

Healthy behaviors act as compensatory factors:

• sleep

• movement

• nutritious food

• meaningful activities

They protect mental health during adversity.

6. Learn and Use Boundaries

Helplessness often comes from power imbalance. Assertiveness is a skill — and you can learn it now.

7. Celebrate Effort, Not Only Outcome

Perseverance builds identity:“I am someone who tries.”

8. Seek Professional Support When Needed

Therapy can help unpack old survival patterns and build new ones. Reach out to us at Sunrise Counseling Services LLC for support.

The Big Truth: You Are Not Broken

If you’ve experienced helplessness, it likely means you once survived something overwhelming. Your nervous system learned to protect you.

But you are no longer stuck in that chapter.

With support, structure, optimism, and self-compassion, you can move from:

“Nothing I do matters” → “My choices shape my future.”

You don’t need to feel hopeful to begin. You simply begin — and hope grows along the way.

Written by Rachel Moss, LPCC

Sources:

Caprara, G. V., Alessandri, G., Trommsdorff, G., Heikamp, T., Yamaguchi, S., & Suzuki, F. (2011). Positive Orientation Across Three Cultures. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 43(1), 77-83. https://doi.org/10.1177/0022022111422257

Crandall, A., Castaneda, G. L., Barlow, M. J., & Magnusson, B. M. (2024). Do positive childhood and adult experiences counter the effects of adverse childhood experiences on learned helplessness? Frontiers in Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 2, 1249529. https://doi.org/10.3389/frcha.2023.1249529

Dymecka J, Gerymski R, Machnik-Czerwik A, Rogowska AM. Does Positive Thinking Help during Difficult Pandemic Times? The Role of Positive Orientation in the Relationship between Fear of COVID-19 and Perceived Stress. European Journal of Investigation in Health, Psychology and Education. 2023; 13(1):151-160. https://doi.org/10.3390/ejihpe13010011

Lazarus, R. S. (1993). From psychological stress to the emotions: A history of changing outlooks. Annual Review of Psychology, 44, 1–21. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.ps.44.020193.000245

Tugade, M. M., & Fredrickson, B. L. (2004). Resilient individuals use positive emotions to bounce back from negative emotional experiences. Journal of personality and social psychology, 86(2), 320–333. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.86.2.320